So most of you know that I spent the summer in Africa in '06. I grew so much....or I should say that I died so much. My life as I knew it was completely and utterly ruined. I will never be the same. Ya know, we were over there to serve the Swazi people, to love on them, and to meet their needs, but honestly, I took away so much more from them...more then I ever gave to them. I think that is a big point of missions. We, here in America, sitting in our comfortable chairs, with good houses, access to clean water, food ect ect, think we can do so much for those......over there. Yes, we may can supply their physical needs. But the truth is, they are living the dream. You see, the majority of them have found contentment in the little that they do have. They have to skip dinner because they have no money. And they praise the Lord. They have to walk 5 miles to work and back. And they praise God. They work ALL DAY LONG just to put food on the table every night...neglecting other things that life can offer like education...or FUN...because they don't have any other choice. Yet they praise God. They are truly happy. That was a big lesson I learned. And a hard one to learn. It's hard realizing that everything you have ever had your whole life means nothing. I mean a lot of us make up our identities based on the car we drive, the place we work, the house we live in, or the friends we surround ourselves with. Without some of these things, we would fall apart. And that is exactly what happened to me. I was completely broken....I had to depend on God....like most of the Swazis have been doing their whole life. Below is a journal entry from June 16th 2006. Ahhhhh, I can't believe that I am posting it. It is so personal and intimate but yet I will be walking in disobedience if I don't share it. I hope you can see the change in me. If Jesus has come into your life and not WRECKED it completely then you don't know Jesus. Not like He was meant to be known. And I honestly think that the relationship with Him begins when you realize that you have nothing apart from Him. When you are broken and asking to be poured out like a drink. Missions is a great way to gain perspective and for God to show up and meet YOUR needs...all along you think you are meeting their needs....HA! Can you hear God laugh? I think God has laughed quite a bit at my poor expense....but that is for another day....:)June 16th, 2006....this was right when I got home from home visits where we actually went out into the community and visited the locals...saw them exactly how they live...I was devastated at first...
"I don't know what to do or think or say. I went on home visits today and saw some pretty sad things. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know what to change. What does it mean to be prosperous? The Lord says He wants to prosper us and to give us hope and a future. How is an old gogo who sits on a mat all day long, who doesn't get to eat for days straight, and has no children...how is that prosperous? It's not fair God!! Why do I equate prosperous with money and things? I feel that everyone deserves to live like Americans. God, why are people so poor? Why is it so ingrained in my brain? I just want to go home and be with my family. I never want to go back and see what I saw. I don't want to be a missionary overseas. God, what do you want me to learn from this? I prayed for brokenness but I didn't expect this. My heart is broken and I'm aching. I just want to cry. God, why was I born into a good materialistic life? That was your doing. Am I blessed? Or am I cursed? 'It is harder for a rich man to enter heaven than for a camel to enter the eye of a needle.' If was this poor and gross and smelly and sick and old, would I be more likely to turn to Jesus? I would be desperate. Is that why you allow it God? God, change my heart about things your life. Prosperous doesn't always equal money, nice things, nice house, friends, popularity, big church or knowing a lot of people. Lord, please redefine my definition of prosperous. Prosper me in the way you define it. Will I be able to go back to USA with these images in my head? Will I be able to go back and not do anything about this? I feel there is nothing for me to do. I want to stay away from those houses. God, change this attitude. You are worthy to be praised and although I don't understand or think it's fair, I will choose to praise you anyway. Praise your name. Bless you Father. I bless your sovereignty and your choices on who you bless with money and who you don't. I love you. "
June 17th and beyond....what God taught me...
"God is showing me scriptures about what prosperity means....Luke 12:13-'a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.' Okay, Lord, what does a man's life consist of? Why poverty, death, rape, destruction, sickness, and no friends? Why does life consist of these things? 'Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes' Luke 12:23 'for everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.' Luke 12:48. 'What is highly valuable among man is detestable in God's sight.' Luke 16:15.
My life is in the hands of a big confusing God. But what I know about Him, I know He is good, powerful and sovereign and He does what is best for me. So I want Him to be in control. Would I give up everything to follow Jesus? Luke 14:33
I need to change my view on money, wealth, possessions, clothes ect. I want to sell my car, get rid of my clothes, ect. They will all pass away quicker than I will. I want my husband to think like this too.
Later on in the day....
"God has been showing me how selfish I am. I am living in a world that is all about me. K-101 Whit...where Whitney plays all day everyday. I feel like the world revolves around me.. I have been short with people on this trip and mean because I wasn't wanting them in my life. But God cherishes all people and so should I. I should cherish what they cherish.
This next journal entry was a turning point for me. The title of the page in my journal reads, THE DAY. I took a picture of the spot where I was sitting to mark the point where Jesus, the freight train, ran me over and ruined me. It was a special day...
Has God ever become so real to you that you cry? I was bawling out apologies for every complaining about my back and all the bitterness I felt. I felt/feel like a lover begging for forgiveness from another lover because I cheated on them. I feel as though God is right here. I understand the song, 'You are the air I breathe'. Lord, you are everything to me, more than a story , more than words on a page of history, the air that I breathe, the water I thirst for, the wind beneath my wings. God, I want you apart of everything I do. I asked you why we as humans were created. You said, 'do you have joy?' I said yes. Then You said, 'well I have joy too.' We were created for your good pleasure. You pleasure in us and we pleasure in you. Why not just immediately put us in heaven though? Because you get more pleasure when we choose you. I get pleasure when I get chosen 1st for things. You do too. We were made in your image. So we are alike in that I guess. I've been waiting for this day for 2 years. Over two years. It's here and its glorious.
Look at picture 247 or 248(my pics were numbered and this was to remember the exact spot where I was sitting when I was writing this). That's where I'm sitting. I feel that God has brought me here with all the back problems I've had. I've cried out to you Soooo much. You have heard my cry. I love my back and every pain I ever had. All the lonely nights in the hospital, all the doctors, all the nausea from the pain, headaches, butt pillows, pity parties. EVERYTHING...because of the realization I have right now. You had a plan for me. Look at me now. You knew what you were doing. You are so real and so big. I want you to be my center. Even if I'm in pain and affliction. You know better. You can have me Lord. Take my family, my friends, my comfort, my home, my husband if I even get one...You have me instead. Take me. Call me to missions. I still feel like I'm holding onto my life. Help me God. Take my life. Make me a martyr. Take it all. 
These are just a taste of all that I learned. Can you see the transformation? Glory to God! God is still redefining my definition of prosperity. I don't enjoy shopping as I once did. I think anyone who has traveled to a third world country feels the same. To me, it means...prosperity of the heart....not in one's possessions. Can you be joyful with what you have got...whether it is a little or a lot? Inner prosperity is what I have decided is worth fighting for in this life. And inner prosperity is found in knowing your purpose in life. If you are living in the will of God that was created and designed especially for you....then you have this prosperity!! And it won't matter whether you have the latest designer purse, a good car, are in a relationship, or eating awesome expensive food. You will start walking in His grace and understand that we were created for His good pleasure. Everything else fades away into the distant...
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