Bzzzzz go the bees....

Anxiety. Apathy. 

Burden. 

Condemned.

Dread.  Drained.  Disappointment. 

Failure. Fraud. Fake. Failure. 

Hopeless

Not worthy

Overwhelmed. 

Shame. Shameful. 

Unworthy. 

Weary. 

We could go from A-Z of words that describe the human condition at times.  At low times in particularly. Why are we as Christians haunted with such negative words. Why do I feel as though I'm attacked...even daily?  I feel like David in Psalm 118:12, "They swarmed around me like bees..."  Thoughts, anxious feelings, and lies swarming my head. They can be like a constant buzz that becomes part of our existence and impacts daily decisions. Part of this blog was to be honest...brutally honest even.  To bare my soul in the hopes to reconnect with a God whom at times seems so far away and to offer hope to other struggling in this life. God gave us life and gave it to us abundantly but it doesn't come for free or with no cost. We must fight for Him and for our relationship with Him unless we want to fade off into a complacent world full of self.  My problem isn't recognizing that I have settled into a state of apathy but of moving out of it into the place the Lord is beckoning me. He is calling me to come higher and to come away with Him. What is keeping me stagnant, keeping my heels on the ground, keeping me....here?  Why can't I push on in this race that is marked out for me? Why can't I throw off the sin that so easily entangles?  It is the thoughts!  This despair that nothing I can do makes me right with God anyway. It is by Grace I have been saved.  That keeps me still.  It is the thought that I am a fake. A Fraud and that if people only knew me beneath the layers that they would be disappointed, shocked and appalled.  I would feel that shame and that scares me. Why would I push myself into deeper with God if it only makes me more fake and even less authentic?  

Wow, what a pit of lies from the pit of all pits.  You know exactly where those lies have originated. From our enemy who hates us.   Why now?  Why have I never had to see past these lies as they never entered my soul in this way?  Why is darkness so entering my soul that its becoming harder and harder to filter it out and let the light shine. Oh, how I wish the light could shine again through me. Instead, the light is shining directly on me and revealing this deep dark stuff.  Which is the point.   Perhaps that was John was talking about in Matthew 3:12.  "His winnowing work is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor, gathering his wheat into the barn and burning up the chaff with unquenchable fire."   Maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of building that character in me that He so desperately wants me to have.  He wants me to walk with Him...every step of the way.  I won't be validated by anything but Him.  Hypothetically, If I were able to deal with these negative thoughts on earthly terms, you would see me over active in things. I would be full of works with no depth.  I would have tons of surface level relationships....much like the stagnant relationship that would exist with Him. I would be spread wide and thin.  I am convinced that the Jesus who said, "I have come to give life and give it abundantly..." doesn't want me to live such a way.    Instead, I am to be validated by Him remembering that everytime God looks at me and all my sin, failures, anxieties, worry, dread and despair, He sees something else.  He sees Jesus in all his glory, splendor, majesty, holiness, and truth.  That is how we defeat these thoughts my friend.   We can start a new list of adjectives and nouns and everytime an old one pops up, we can replace it with the new.  

Appreciated. 

Beautiful. 

Forgiven. 

Gifted. 

Hope. 

Loved.  Light. 

Perfect. 

Worthy. 

Looking back at David in Psalm 118: 12, "They swarmed around me like bees, but they died out as quickly as burning thorns; in the name of the Lord I cut them off. "  In Jesus' name, we cut them off!   We can stop the bzzzzz! Do you know the true meaning of Savior?  I do. He's saved me from a lifetime of pain, regret, from a life without Him.  That was the Sunday school answer.  But He has literally saved me from myself.  From the Enemy.  Physically, spiritually, emotionally, I have been spared.   He has allowed me to stand on my tiptoes and to slowly walk up higher with Him.  On the threshing floor I am starting to stand up.  This time, I'm standing with more integrity, honor, and more authenticity then I thought was possible in my life. I thought I was hopeless. This blog is allowing me to voice my rejoicing at the amazing God we serve!   Thank you for reading. 

In the darkness..

"May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in You."  Psalm 25:21. 

"The combined features or traits that make up a person."  This is the dictionary definition of character.  But I believe the meaning of our 'character' is much much deeper than that.  Our character determines our inner thoughts and actions.  Are we authentic?  Does what we do in the world reflect what is going on in the inside? God knows our hearts, our motives, our desires....and He knows if they match up or not.  As we grow closer in our walk with the Lord, some temptations that our Enemy may have used to make us stray are seen less and less.  Instead, he works in more crafty ways.  One way is by attacking our character, our integrity, our uprightness.   How can we apply the verse in Psalm 25:21 to our lives if our character is not developed?  As God refines us, don't be surprised if He starts to mold your character!  

This is what I have been learning the last few months.  I haven't written about it because honestly I didn't know what He was up to.  I was frustrated, mad and felt like a failure because I wasn't hearing from Him as normal.  I felt as thought He had taken His favor away and I was shattered.  David describes it well, "When I felt secure, I said  'I will never be shaken.' Oh Lord, when you favored me, You made my mountains stand firm. But when you hid your face I was dismayed."  What happens when God hides his face and it seems as though He has taken away His favor? Are we still apt to cry out to Him?  Well, I get frustrated.  I have been in this dry season.  I feel as though I am just sitting around waiting on God to move in several areas of my life.   And I hear Him ever so lightly whisper that He is building my character.  He doesn't just want me to walk through life with Him, with rainbows and butterflies to guide me.  Sure, He used those happy colors and pure goodness to draw me to Him. But now that He's got my attention He is begging me to continue to follow Him...to come up higher with Him.  To follow Him not because of the blessings He can shower on me but because of my faith in Him. Do I have faith to trust Him when he doesn't give me what I want?  Oh, that I could learn to pray in the dark.  You see, I am convinced that He wants more than just a faithful walk with us here on earth. No, He wants us to receive rewards in heaven.  He wants us to receive glorious crowns. He wants all of us...the inner and outer parts. 

Yes, Lord.  When you have hidden from me, and have removed your presence, let me not grow weary but let my character build up. Let me trust you when I am surrounded by doubt, confusion and darkness.  Let me come to the place where my character, my integrity and my uprightness can protect me as I put my hope in you. 

Let us pray in the dark.