Hope of heaven

"If I find in myself, desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I was not made for here

If the flesh that I fight is at best
only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude
when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming for me"

Sorry to reference Brooke Fraser so much but she is only the best singer/songwriter in all the land. The lyrics from this song titled, "C.S. Lewis Song" named appropriately after ideas that he wrote about long ago, are wonderful. Above is a snippet from one of my top 10 favorite songs this month. The reason? Because I'm engaged!Yes, yes its wonderful. Ever since I was old enough to actually like boys, I've thought about being engaged, about being married, and of course all about my wedding. But amongst all this wonderfulness, I can't help but feel.......................let down?

Let me explain. I don't want to appear ungrateful, or unhappy. Jason is a wonderful man and one whom I'm delighted to spend the rest of my life with. He's funny, handsome, witty, and he loves the Lord. But at the end of the day I find out that he is not enough. He is not to complete me, to make me feel whole, to make me feel loved at all times. There are times when I wanted him to love me more, to understand me more, to be there for me more. But he can't read my mind. He's a mere man and he does his best. Which brings me back to the BF song. Just like Brooke, I'm finding desires in this world that the world can't satisfy for me. I want my fiance to make sacrifices for me. He may do it once, sacrifice time studying or time spent with a friend so he can be with me. But I want more. As I explore this desire for him to make me feel worthwhile, I sense God's presence. And I sense the ultimate sacrifice made for me. His life for my life. Jesus Christ's ultimate sacrifice for all of humanity. That is where my desires stem from. I believe we were created with a hole in our heart. That out of our brokenness and our fall from God, we have a void, a hole, a need. God in all His wisdom, sent us a Savior to fill that hole, to vanquish that void to meet that need. And that is the only thing that will satisfy my needs. Too often, people think marriage will fill that space. Or in America, success and money. But it's never enough is it?

I can keep looking forward to things hoping that they will suffice. A wedding, marriage, children...but I know that they all serve to point me to heaven. I won't put my hope in earthly things but my hope should be found in heaven! Thanks be to God who designed marriage and intimacy between man and woman to point us to heaven. Thank you Jason for loving me and allowing me to love Jesus more than you. Thank you Lord that I have a man that desires to love me as Jesus loved the church. Thank you Lord for reminding me that Jason will never satisfy like you can and will. Thank you for creating me and making a way for me to be in heaven with you. Thank you for hope....the hope of heaven.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that^[i] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

"We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:22-25

Poems from Prison: part III

This was written in 2004 when I was leaving Mayo Clinic.  I was flying back after being in the hospital for several weeks.  It was a very hard time for me.  It's written on a brown paper bag...one that I could throw up in in case I was sick. 

As I sit up here @ 33,000 feet

I see all my beautiful dreams that I will forever keep. 

But when I look down it reminds me of a scary world

one of sin and sorrow; to many heartbreaks to keep score. 

But then I look up 

and glimpse God's face

I am reminded that He's holding me up

Him and Him alone, my saving Grace

So just as this airplane 

soars through the sky

with views of both heartache and tender abide

God is also protecting me

He won't let me fall

Abba is teaching me faithfulness

through views of the world below. 

Poems from Prison: part II

I think this was written in a season of doubting a few years ago. 

From the depths of the shadows

that are blacker than the night

I started to fall, clinging to Your light

When uneasiness hit me

with force like a brick

It wasn't something that I could easily fix

I prayed for your comfort!

I prayed for your rest!

But you cried, "my child, wait!"

I will give you the best!

So everyday I will die...

die to my hindering part, 

and everyday I will rise...

rise to bless your heart

Poems from Prison: part I

I found the below scribbling on an old folded sheet of notebook paper written in purple ink.  A favorite pen of mine back in undergrad...no date on it but I probably wrote it around 2005.  I wrote it while dealing with some of my back issues.  Besides the old pen I used to use, you can tell I wrote it a while ago based on the content.  I'm talking about God being so far away and giving me a glimpse of how to live out the life created for me.  I feel like the mood of this poem is one of accepting my fate, of surrendering, of giving up my will for the greater good.  Greater good you might ask?  God's glory resting on us no matter what our circumstances are; for me, my back troubles.  

The veil conceals the precious light

too soon to be consumed I might

but beneath the folds and inner threads

there is some Bright to be shed

For what would this side be without His glory?

Without His design for every story?

We'd probably continue but with no purpose

there we would crumble into dust

I am like dust but he uses me still

to be like a city on a hill

so as Jack and Jill took their spot

we must also stand upon the rock

We are just as the moon in all its splendor

for it also receives its light form a Sender

the moon would be miserable, lonely, dark

the sun gives it illumination, glory, heart

Our Sender is way far away

where a day is a million years and a million years a day

But still this light chooses to pursue me

and continues on to give me a key

A door is opened, yet I cannot see past the veil

but only a map, which tells me how to set sail

to be as the moon, and to reflect back honor and praise

even when He giveth and taketh away

Jesus carries my heart in His heart....

If to distant lands I scatter

If I sailed to farthest seas

Would you find and firm and gather 'til I only dwell in Thee?

If I flee from greenest pastures

Would you leave to look for me?

Forfeit glory to come after

'Til I only dwell in Thee

If my heart has one ambition

If my soul one goal to seek

This my solitary vision 'til I only dwell in Thee

That I only dwell in Thee

'til I only dwell in Thee

-Brooke Fraser

All too often, I take this question and let it fall on anything in my path.  I was created to ask this question...I was also created to seek and find out the answer.  The answer, I have found, lies only when I take it to my savior.  

Me: Am I worthy of your attention? Can you promise me your devotion?

Boyfriend:  Of course, until I find something better to come along...until I get tired of you. 

Me: Am I lovely enough for you to love me, truly and wholeheartedly, not just because I am your offspring?

Parents: yes, of course, until it gets too difficult. Until my own life gets in the way.

Me: Will you come and find me if I disappeared?   Would you notice?

The world: probably not, there someone else just like you waiting to take your spot. 

And on and on it goes.  Yes, I know people love me and would be here for me but its different than the devotion and love that comes from Jesus Christ.  Its true, pure and wonderful.  There is nothing like the favor of the Lord on my life. 

Me: I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm lonely. Do I still matter? Are you there?

Jesus: "You are poor in spirit, therefore yours is the Kingdom in Heaven." 

Me: Every time I stray, every time I turn my back on You, every time I look to the world for satisfaction, will you notice?  Will you come and find me no matter what?

Jesus: Not only will I come after you, but when I find you, my lost sheep, I will be happier that I found you than about all the other sheep who never strayed off.

Me: Would you forgo Your own glory, honor, and power to make sure that I had it?

Jesus: I died on a cross, for you, my love, my queen, for you to be able to stand up straight, with righteousness, and no shame.  I would gladly do it again. 

The movie, In Her Shoes, which stars Cameron Diaz and Tonnie Colette, the movie seems to be about the same questions.  The close bond between two sisters, two best friends, was severed when the they kept disappointing each other.  It seems as though the whole story revolves around them trying to find happiness in each other, in lovers, in family, in anything. One part brings tears to my eyes.  Maggie, has turned her former life around, one centered around herself, and has begun to take care of old folks.  One elderly gentleman in particular, became very attached to Maggie.  She proceeded to read to him and became attached herself.  On the day he died, Maggie sat on his bed saddened by his sudden death.  Her thoughts were interrupted by the old man's grandson who knew exactly who Maggie was.  Maggie asked the all too familiar question, "he talked about me?"  It was as if she was saying, "he thought about me, after hours...when I wasn't here?  I made a big of enough impression on him for him to think about ME?"  Now, I'm not a huge Cameron Diaz fan but I was in this scene.  She conveyed what all little girls ask from their dads, what all young fiances ask their soon to be husband/wife, what all people, young and old, ask of our Savior.   As the grandson answered the question that seemed to burn in her heart, her face lit up with joy as she realized that the old man she had grown so close to did indeed talk about her when she wasn't there.  It was a silent pursuit; he noticed her and liked her even if from a few meetings together.  He made her feel worthy.  Worthy of a friendship, of a bond, of purpose. The confidence that can exude from a girl once she knows that she is lovely is contagious.  She feels free to stand up and be who she was made to be.  She feels wonderful...because well, she IS wonderful, confirmed by our Lord. 

Why can't we take this question to Jesus?  I believe we were made to ask Him.  He was made to answer it. 

Thinking back to the song at the beginning of this post, the song by Brooke Fraser, I can't help but understand what she meant at the end.  She says she wants to make her solitary ambition, the goal of her life, to be able to "dwell in Thee", to abide with Jesus.  Again, this coming only after Jesus has faithfully answered the questions that burned in her from the beginning of time.  When I have confidence in who I was made to be and where I belong, I am confidently assured that I want to only belong to Jesus.  I only want to dwell in Him.  I no longer take my questions to the world, to earthly partners, to anything that ends up in vain. I take them to my savior, my King and this is how he responds, so well put by EE Cummings: 

I carry your heart with me(I carry it in my heart) 

I am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) 

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) 

I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree call life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

-EE Cummings

Oh yes Lord, I dwell in You!!  

Me: Will you always carry me in Your heart?

Jesus: Yes, my child, always....

The Lord never changes!

As a Christian, I feel as though I am forever waiting.  I am waiting on God to show me my future. The picture that God is painting for my life becomes clearer everyday.  I once heard it described as a polaroid picture that takes a long time to develop.  I don't know where I will be in 1 year, much less 5 or 10 years like some people.  I do know that it will involve missions and traveling as I feel confirmation from the Lord on that and in the picture that is somewhat developed, that is what I see.  Since I feel that way now, I thought it only natural to travel this summer with the 6 weeks that I have off.  However, every door that I'm praying to open has stayed closed.  It seems as though I am to stay in Atlanta or perhaps Dalton for 5-6 weeks as I wait to finish school.  Frustrated?  That doesn't begin to describe how I used to feel about this situation as I am the kind of person to take charge of things.  Its hard to let go of my desires and trust the desire that God has for me instead.  Its been easier to this week as I keep reminding myself that God's way is better and that he will 'smooth' out the path before me.  I stumbled across 1st Corinthians 12:4-5 which says "There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit.  There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord."  

Why do I get the feeling that I am going to be doing something that I don't regard as 'high service'?  I don't have to be on a mission trip and plugged into a specific ministry to be serving my Lord.  But the thought of working at Walgreen's for 5 weeks makes me want to jump off my 3rd story balcony. 

New blog

stufffchristianslike.com

This blog is so refreshing and shines a different light on the ups and downs of Christianity.  Actually, it gives a more raw honest look into the Christian bubble we tend to have and seems to bridge a gap between 'them' and us.   It makes fun of the silly things we do while sticking firm to biblical truths.  

Check it!

In addition! Please read post below before this one!

God works for the good of those who love Him! (Romans 8:28)  Again, He is a masterful weaver, weaving out stories, people and events daily throughout my life.  Thank you God for passionate believers whom we can fellowship with and learn about You from.  This was shared with me tonight as a fellow seeker of our Lord was studying the book of Isaiah. 

Isaiah 46:16:  I will lead the blind by ways they have not known.  Among unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn darkness into light before them and make the rough places SMOOTH.  These are things I will do; I will not forsake them. 

Again, making my path smooth. Why do I even worry about the next step for me?  The Lord is my guide.  My destination?  His purpose!!

Smooth Operator....AKA Jesus!!

I am not a very good writer but the novelist of all novelists keeps giving me stories to tell.  This story is particularly about the fingerprints of God.   Not only is he an author of the most popular book of all time and currently, short stories by  yours truly, but He is also a weaver.   Yes, a weaver who takes little pieces of thread; different colors, textures, and shapes and weaves them together to make them beautiful.  Now, I am a masterpiece.  No laughing please.  I am a masterpiece because Ephesians 3:10 says, "For we are God's masterpiece."  See?  Phillipians 1:6 also says that "...He who began a good work in you will carry it on unto completion until the day of Jesus Christ."  With Jesus covering me, I am perfect.  Because of the sacrifice of our Savior, we can stand boldly and without shame before our God in heaven. ONLY because of Jesus standing in between. But until we are in heaven, I believe, that He is forever perfecting us and calling us even higher in our walk with Him.   For me, someone with little faith, I need to feel God and to experience His faithfulness.  For some reason, God chooses over and over again to listen to my frustration and reveal Himself to me.  This is how I grow and how I get closer to our Lord. Which brings me to the point of this story.  I promise I have a point!!

I have 6 weeks off this summer.  I had plans.  Plans were ruined.  I tried to make other plans.  Every door keeps shutting.  I asked God if he wouldn't mind shooting me an email with detailed instructions of what I am supposed to do.  But did I get one?  Of course not, and honestly, if I did, I wouldn't be serving a most High Being worthy of me bowing down and saying,  "My Lord and my God."   Doubting Thomas uttered these words after Jesus made him wait to reveal himself.  He wasn't on Thomas's timetable and he's not on mine either.  What kind of God would he be if he catered to little 'ole me and my demands?  Instead, He shows me his fingerprints and his masterful weaving abilities.  

In a night of prayer over these matters and others, I prayed and prayed for a dream.  Weird I know but I have done it before and the Lord has really shown up.   It is one way He HAS to speak to me; His unbelieving at times, servant.   I dreamt over and over the word SMOOTH.  In fact, in my dream, I saw someone shaving their face and remarking to me how SMOOTH it was.  Smooth, I prayed?!?  I woke up feeling as though it was so real and that the Lord really wanted to impart the word SMOOTH to me that day.  I went and had a smoothie for breakfast.  I shaved my legs and they were oh so smooth. But no revelation about the future until today. Talking with a good friend about my dilemmas for the summer, he offered up some wisdom and some of God's word for me to study.  The first verses I skimmed over were very encouraging and then I came to.....

"You are a God who does what is right, and You SMOOTH out the path ahead of them."  

He weaved my dream with a revelation from His word.  He knows how much I love it when things connect.  I wouldn't have read this verse so closely and wouldn't have paid much attention to it without the emphasis from my dream.  It forced me to tears and forced me to my knees where I proceeded to cry, "My Lord and my God." 

I was worried and frustrated that I don't always have all the answers  but happy that I serve such an awesome God.   He will show me when the time is right.  In the meantime, I will admire the work in progress, namely the beautiful woven work He is completing before my very eyes. 

Easter Sunday

My body is long. My body suffers many aches and pains.  Its fair in color but turns red upon embarrassment. My skin loves the feel of the sun and I love the brown color I turn in the summers.  My body gets bigger when I eat too many ding-dongs and gets smaller when I cut back and eat more broccoli.  I have a long torso and even longer legs. My body is an oddly shaped organism that houses my spirit while I am here temporarily.  My body has been with me for 24 years and will be with me as long as I live.  We shape our bodies as the years pass.  The face and body we have at 40 is the face and body we deserve.  

We celebrate Easter as the resurrection Sunday, where Jesus is, well, resurrected. He is raised to a new life. When appearing to Mary and his disciples however, they didn't recognize him.  They saw him in the flesh, but in different flesh, as the oak tree is different form the acorn from which it grew.  Our body is a mystery.  One I don't understand.  How can Jesus be raised to life?  How is he back in the flesh?  Where is He then? How can flesh transcend time, distance, and even heaven?  Will we still have heart beats at the resurrection?  See, this is such a mystery to me!  I want my body to express myself and my spirit.  I don't want it to yield to weariness and rebellion.  I want it to a reflection of Him, whose body was raised from the dead. However, our faith teaches us that it won't be that perfect reflection of Him until we are resurrected too.  We will be resurrected into our perfect body and we will be made new. We will be unrecognizable as the Oak tree.     Can you imagine?  Being raised from your grave?

NOTE: My pastor talked about this today. I am just plain perplexed as you can't tell.  Some of the things I said were taken as ideas from the book, "Sacred Space" from the Jesuit Communication Centre in Ireland.  Please help me out here if you have any insight. :)

Bzzzzz go the bees....

Anxiety. Apathy. 

Burden. 

Condemned.

Dread.  Drained.  Disappointment. 

Failure. Fraud. Fake. Failure. 

Hopeless

Not worthy

Overwhelmed. 

Shame. Shameful. 

Unworthy. 

Weary. 

We could go from A-Z of words that describe the human condition at times.  At low times in particularly. Why are we as Christians haunted with such negative words. Why do I feel as though I'm attacked...even daily?  I feel like David in Psalm 118:12, "They swarmed around me like bees..."  Thoughts, anxious feelings, and lies swarming my head. They can be like a constant buzz that becomes part of our existence and impacts daily decisions. Part of this blog was to be honest...brutally honest even.  To bare my soul in the hopes to reconnect with a God whom at times seems so far away and to offer hope to other struggling in this life. God gave us life and gave it to us abundantly but it doesn't come for free or with no cost. We must fight for Him and for our relationship with Him unless we want to fade off into a complacent world full of self.  My problem isn't recognizing that I have settled into a state of apathy but of moving out of it into the place the Lord is beckoning me. He is calling me to come higher and to come away with Him. What is keeping me stagnant, keeping my heels on the ground, keeping me....here?  Why can't I push on in this race that is marked out for me? Why can't I throw off the sin that so easily entangles?  It is the thoughts!  This despair that nothing I can do makes me right with God anyway. It is by Grace I have been saved.  That keeps me still.  It is the thought that I am a fake. A Fraud and that if people only knew me beneath the layers that they would be disappointed, shocked and appalled.  I would feel that shame and that scares me. Why would I push myself into deeper with God if it only makes me more fake and even less authentic?  

Wow, what a pit of lies from the pit of all pits.  You know exactly where those lies have originated. From our enemy who hates us.   Why now?  Why have I never had to see past these lies as they never entered my soul in this way?  Why is darkness so entering my soul that its becoming harder and harder to filter it out and let the light shine. Oh, how I wish the light could shine again through me. Instead, the light is shining directly on me and revealing this deep dark stuff.  Which is the point.   Perhaps that was John was talking about in Matthew 3:12.  "His winnowing work is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor, gathering his wheat into the barn and burning up the chaff with unquenchable fire."   Maybe, just maybe, this is God's way of building that character in me that He so desperately wants me to have.  He wants me to walk with Him...every step of the way.  I won't be validated by anything but Him.  Hypothetically, If I were able to deal with these negative thoughts on earthly terms, you would see me over active in things. I would be full of works with no depth.  I would have tons of surface level relationships....much like the stagnant relationship that would exist with Him. I would be spread wide and thin.  I am convinced that the Jesus who said, "I have come to give life and give it abundantly..." doesn't want me to live such a way.    Instead, I am to be validated by Him remembering that everytime God looks at me and all my sin, failures, anxieties, worry, dread and despair, He sees something else.  He sees Jesus in all his glory, splendor, majesty, holiness, and truth.  That is how we defeat these thoughts my friend.   We can start a new list of adjectives and nouns and everytime an old one pops up, we can replace it with the new.  

Appreciated. 

Beautiful. 

Forgiven. 

Gifted. 

Hope. 

Loved.  Light. 

Perfect. 

Worthy. 

Looking back at David in Psalm 118: 12, "They swarmed around me like bees, but they died out as quickly as burning thorns; in the name of the Lord I cut them off. "  In Jesus' name, we cut them off!   We can stop the bzzzzz! Do you know the true meaning of Savior?  I do. He's saved me from a lifetime of pain, regret, from a life without Him.  That was the Sunday school answer.  But He has literally saved me from myself.  From the Enemy.  Physically, spiritually, emotionally, I have been spared.   He has allowed me to stand on my tiptoes and to slowly walk up higher with Him.  On the threshing floor I am starting to stand up.  This time, I'm standing with more integrity, honor, and more authenticity then I thought was possible in my life. I thought I was hopeless. This blog is allowing me to voice my rejoicing at the amazing God we serve!   Thank you for reading. 

In the darkness..

"May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in You."  Psalm 25:21. 

"The combined features or traits that make up a person."  This is the dictionary definition of character.  But I believe the meaning of our 'character' is much much deeper than that.  Our character determines our inner thoughts and actions.  Are we authentic?  Does what we do in the world reflect what is going on in the inside? God knows our hearts, our motives, our desires....and He knows if they match up or not.  As we grow closer in our walk with the Lord, some temptations that our Enemy may have used to make us stray are seen less and less.  Instead, he works in more crafty ways.  One way is by attacking our character, our integrity, our uprightness.   How can we apply the verse in Psalm 25:21 to our lives if our character is not developed?  As God refines us, don't be surprised if He starts to mold your character!  

This is what I have been learning the last few months.  I haven't written about it because honestly I didn't know what He was up to.  I was frustrated, mad and felt like a failure because I wasn't hearing from Him as normal.  I felt as thought He had taken His favor away and I was shattered.  David describes it well, "When I felt secure, I said  'I will never be shaken.' Oh Lord, when you favored me, You made my mountains stand firm. But when you hid your face I was dismayed."  What happens when God hides his face and it seems as though He has taken away His favor? Are we still apt to cry out to Him?  Well, I get frustrated.  I have been in this dry season.  I feel as though I am just sitting around waiting on God to move in several areas of my life.   And I hear Him ever so lightly whisper that He is building my character.  He doesn't just want me to walk through life with Him, with rainbows and butterflies to guide me.  Sure, He used those happy colors and pure goodness to draw me to Him. But now that He's got my attention He is begging me to continue to follow Him...to come up higher with Him.  To follow Him not because of the blessings He can shower on me but because of my faith in Him. Do I have faith to trust Him when he doesn't give me what I want?  Oh, that I could learn to pray in the dark.  You see, I am convinced that He wants more than just a faithful walk with us here on earth. No, He wants us to receive rewards in heaven.  He wants us to receive glorious crowns. He wants all of us...the inner and outer parts. 

Yes, Lord.  When you have hidden from me, and have removed your presence, let me not grow weary but let my character build up. Let me trust you when I am surrounded by doubt, confusion and darkness.  Let me come to the place where my character, my integrity and my uprightness can protect me as I put my hope in you. 

Let us pray in the dark.