"Hey dude, where is the nearest liquor store?"

"Do you know where Frankford street is?"

Not too uncommon for people to not know where they are going. How many times have we found ourselves at the mercy of gas station attendants? These 2 questions were asked of us the other day at the gas station. Unfortunately, we couldn't point them in the right direction. But it got me thinking. Whether we realize it or not, we are all looking for the right way. Some of us are comfortable in our homes, our town, our cities, our cars, our jobs, ect. But where will that path lead? Do we really know where it leads? A life lived at our potential, the college degree, the good job, the high salary, the promotions, the kids, the grandkids, retirement...then what? Death? What happens after we die? Is this the path we were created for? What if we sought after a path that led to something more...something more than a legacy created on earth, more than a van full of grandkids, more than a financial trust?

Instead of, 'where is the nearest liquor store' what if we asked, "what do i do to receive eternal life?"

Instead of asking for Frankford street, what if we asked for the road that leads to righteousness, to right standing with our Maker, the road that leads to peace?'

How would we live different? What path are you on?

A Dove from Webster means a bird with a small head and a characteristic wooing call.

Look at all the definitions found in the bible:

Land finder--> Genesis 8:8
Old Testament sacrifice--> Leviticus 5:7, 5:11, 12:6, more
Wings to fly one away to rest--> Psalm 55:6
Afflicted people of Israel (a plea to God to remember them)--> Psalm 74:19
Beautiful eyes--> Song of Solomon 1:15, 4:1
Term of Endearment--> Song of Solomon 2:14, 5:2
Moaning and troubled soul-->Isaiah 38:14, 59:11, Nahum 2:11
Those returning home, to where they belong-->Isaiah 60:8
One who knows her migration, where she belongs-->Jeremiah 8:7
Cave dweller-->Jeremiah 48:28
Moaning because of sin--> Ezekial 7:16
Deceived and senseless-->Hosea 7:11
Trembling-->Hosea 11:11
Spirit of God that descended on Jesus-->Matthew 3:16, Mark 1:10, more
Innocent-->Matthew 10:16
Being sold at the temple-->Matthew 21:12, Mark 11:15, more

WOW!! Who knew a dove could take on so many meanings. As I'm praying today for the Lord to show Himself to me, to reveal Himself to me, I am specifically asking Him to define me. Much too often, I find myself being defined by my flesh. I define myself in my # of friends, my relationships with others, my success at school, my good works, and on and on.

Lord, how do you define me?

___________________________________________________________________
His response was 'like a dove'

Thus, my study into doves...

Who knew that a dove can be moaning in agony one minute and then described as the spirit of God descending upon Jesus the next! Doves are described in the bible as dumb creatures yet they always know how to fly home. They are innocent and afflicted. They are beautiful and they are sold for their beauty.

We women are emotional creatures who are known to be moody, cranky and lacking a zest for life one minute and then passionate and full of fervor the next! We have all been called dumb blonds no matter our hair color but we seem to always remember the color shirt we wore the first day of school. We have a deep desire to be beheld as beautiful and secondarily we sell our bodies to receive attention, love, or affirmation of our beauty. We cover a broad range of definitions. I take delight knowing that I am a complex human being with all kinds of emotions, thoughts, loves, hates; mainly, I have variety in my life!!

A doctor at the hospital I work at, wears a white shirt, no tie, and brown pants every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and so on. He wears the same shoes, styles his hair the same way everyday, and is frankly boring. I need spice in my life! I'm a daughter, companion, friend, lover, hater, sister, m&m eater, purse carrier, different shirt each day of the MONTH kind of girl!
And let us rejoice as God has created us in HIS image, complex as we are.

Ladies, the danger in being doves is that Satan can creep in and convince us of definitions that separate us from the person God has called us to be. We can be defined by our failure at school, at work, failure at relationships, failure at being Holy; OR we can be defined as children of the living God! Let us take on these wings of doves and fly away to rest that only Jesus, the Word of God, can give. We have His spirit to do things His way. Our old self is gone...along with it definitions of us. It's crucified!

Galations 2:20:
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.


I always knew I loved doves for a reason. What a blessing to know that the Lord doesn't only think of my failure/success on earth when He thinks of me. He thinks of the sacrifice of Jesus and Him covering me; giving me wings!



Therefore, I've decided that my next tattoo will be of a dove. Stay tuned...

Hope of heaven

"If I find in myself, desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I was not made for here

If the flesh that I fight is at best
only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude
when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming for me"

Sorry to reference Brooke Fraser so much but she is only the best singer/songwriter in all the land. The lyrics from this song titled, "C.S. Lewis Song" named appropriately after ideas that he wrote about long ago, are wonderful. Above is a snippet from one of my top 10 favorite songs this month. The reason? Because I'm engaged!Yes, yes its wonderful. Ever since I was old enough to actually like boys, I've thought about being engaged, about being married, and of course all about my wedding. But amongst all this wonderfulness, I can't help but feel.......................let down?

Let me explain. I don't want to appear ungrateful, or unhappy. Jason is a wonderful man and one whom I'm delighted to spend the rest of my life with. He's funny, handsome, witty, and he loves the Lord. But at the end of the day I find out that he is not enough. He is not to complete me, to make me feel whole, to make me feel loved at all times. There are times when I wanted him to love me more, to understand me more, to be there for me more. But he can't read my mind. He's a mere man and he does his best. Which brings me back to the BF song. Just like Brooke, I'm finding desires in this world that the world can't satisfy for me. I want my fiance to make sacrifices for me. He may do it once, sacrifice time studying or time spent with a friend so he can be with me. But I want more. As I explore this desire for him to make me feel worthwhile, I sense God's presence. And I sense the ultimate sacrifice made for me. His life for my life. Jesus Christ's ultimate sacrifice for all of humanity. That is where my desires stem from. I believe we were created with a hole in our heart. That out of our brokenness and our fall from God, we have a void, a hole, a need. God in all His wisdom, sent us a Savior to fill that hole, to vanquish that void to meet that need. And that is the only thing that will satisfy my needs. Too often, people think marriage will fill that space. Or in America, success and money. But it's never enough is it?

I can keep looking forward to things hoping that they will suffice. A wedding, marriage, children...but I know that they all serve to point me to heaven. I won't put my hope in earthly things but my hope should be found in heaven! Thanks be to God who designed marriage and intimacy between man and woman to point us to heaven. Thank you Jason for loving me and allowing me to love Jesus more than you. Thank you Lord that I have a man that desires to love me as Jesus loved the church. Thank you Lord for reminding me that Jason will never satisfy like you can and will. Thank you for creating me and making a way for me to be in heaven with you. Thank you for hope....the hope of heaven.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that^[i] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

"We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:22-25

Poems from Prison: part III

This was written in 2004 when I was leaving Mayo Clinic.  I was flying back after being in the hospital for several weeks.  It was a very hard time for me.  It's written on a brown paper bag...one that I could throw up in in case I was sick. 

As I sit up here @ 33,000 feet

I see all my beautiful dreams that I will forever keep. 

But when I look down it reminds me of a scary world

one of sin and sorrow; to many heartbreaks to keep score. 

But then I look up 

and glimpse God's face

I am reminded that He's holding me up

Him and Him alone, my saving Grace

So just as this airplane 

soars through the sky

with views of both heartache and tender abide

God is also protecting me

He won't let me fall

Abba is teaching me faithfulness

through views of the world below. 

Poems from Prison: part II

I think this was written in a season of doubting a few years ago. 

From the depths of the shadows

that are blacker than the night

I started to fall, clinging to Your light

When uneasiness hit me

with force like a brick

It wasn't something that I could easily fix

I prayed for your comfort!

I prayed for your rest!

But you cried, "my child, wait!"

I will give you the best!

So everyday I will die...

die to my hindering part, 

and everyday I will rise...

rise to bless your heart

Poems from Prison: part I

I found the below scribbling on an old folded sheet of notebook paper written in purple ink.  A favorite pen of mine back in undergrad...no date on it but I probably wrote it around 2005.  I wrote it while dealing with some of my back issues.  Besides the old pen I used to use, you can tell I wrote it a while ago based on the content.  I'm talking about God being so far away and giving me a glimpse of how to live out the life created for me.  I feel like the mood of this poem is one of accepting my fate, of surrendering, of giving up my will for the greater good.  Greater good you might ask?  God's glory resting on us no matter what our circumstances are; for me, my back troubles.  

The veil conceals the precious light

too soon to be consumed I might

but beneath the folds and inner threads

there is some Bright to be shed

For what would this side be without His glory?

Without His design for every story?

We'd probably continue but with no purpose

there we would crumble into dust

I am like dust but he uses me still

to be like a city on a hill

so as Jack and Jill took their spot

we must also stand upon the rock

We are just as the moon in all its splendor

for it also receives its light form a Sender

the moon would be miserable, lonely, dark

the sun gives it illumination, glory, heart

Our Sender is way far away

where a day is a million years and a million years a day

But still this light chooses to pursue me

and continues on to give me a key

A door is opened, yet I cannot see past the veil

but only a map, which tells me how to set sail

to be as the moon, and to reflect back honor and praise

even when He giveth and taketh away

Jesus carries my heart in His heart....

If to distant lands I scatter

If I sailed to farthest seas

Would you find and firm and gather 'til I only dwell in Thee?

If I flee from greenest pastures

Would you leave to look for me?

Forfeit glory to come after

'Til I only dwell in Thee

If my heart has one ambition

If my soul one goal to seek

This my solitary vision 'til I only dwell in Thee

That I only dwell in Thee

'til I only dwell in Thee

-Brooke Fraser

All too often, I take this question and let it fall on anything in my path.  I was created to ask this question...I was also created to seek and find out the answer.  The answer, I have found, lies only when I take it to my savior.  

Me: Am I worthy of your attention? Can you promise me your devotion?

Boyfriend:  Of course, until I find something better to come along...until I get tired of you. 

Me: Am I lovely enough for you to love me, truly and wholeheartedly, not just because I am your offspring?

Parents: yes, of course, until it gets too difficult. Until my own life gets in the way.

Me: Will you come and find me if I disappeared?   Would you notice?

The world: probably not, there someone else just like you waiting to take your spot. 

And on and on it goes.  Yes, I know people love me and would be here for me but its different than the devotion and love that comes from Jesus Christ.  Its true, pure and wonderful.  There is nothing like the favor of the Lord on my life. 

Me: I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm lonely. Do I still matter? Are you there?

Jesus: "You are poor in spirit, therefore yours is the Kingdom in Heaven." 

Me: Every time I stray, every time I turn my back on You, every time I look to the world for satisfaction, will you notice?  Will you come and find me no matter what?

Jesus: Not only will I come after you, but when I find you, my lost sheep, I will be happier that I found you than about all the other sheep who never strayed off.

Me: Would you forgo Your own glory, honor, and power to make sure that I had it?

Jesus: I died on a cross, for you, my love, my queen, for you to be able to stand up straight, with righteousness, and no shame.  I would gladly do it again. 

The movie, In Her Shoes, which stars Cameron Diaz and Tonnie Colette, the movie seems to be about the same questions.  The close bond between two sisters, two best friends, was severed when the they kept disappointing each other.  It seems as though the whole story revolves around them trying to find happiness in each other, in lovers, in family, in anything. One part brings tears to my eyes.  Maggie, has turned her former life around, one centered around herself, and has begun to take care of old folks.  One elderly gentleman in particular, became very attached to Maggie.  She proceeded to read to him and became attached herself.  On the day he died, Maggie sat on his bed saddened by his sudden death.  Her thoughts were interrupted by the old man's grandson who knew exactly who Maggie was.  Maggie asked the all too familiar question, "he talked about me?"  It was as if she was saying, "he thought about me, after hours...when I wasn't here?  I made a big of enough impression on him for him to think about ME?"  Now, I'm not a huge Cameron Diaz fan but I was in this scene.  She conveyed what all little girls ask from their dads, what all young fiances ask their soon to be husband/wife, what all people, young and old, ask of our Savior.   As the grandson answered the question that seemed to burn in her heart, her face lit up with joy as she realized that the old man she had grown so close to did indeed talk about her when she wasn't there.  It was a silent pursuit; he noticed her and liked her even if from a few meetings together.  He made her feel worthy.  Worthy of a friendship, of a bond, of purpose. The confidence that can exude from a girl once she knows that she is lovely is contagious.  She feels free to stand up and be who she was made to be.  She feels wonderful...because well, she IS wonderful, confirmed by our Lord. 

Why can't we take this question to Jesus?  I believe we were made to ask Him.  He was made to answer it. 

Thinking back to the song at the beginning of this post, the song by Brooke Fraser, I can't help but understand what she meant at the end.  She says she wants to make her solitary ambition, the goal of her life, to be able to "dwell in Thee", to abide with Jesus.  Again, this coming only after Jesus has faithfully answered the questions that burned in her from the beginning of time.  When I have confidence in who I was made to be and where I belong, I am confidently assured that I want to only belong to Jesus.  I only want to dwell in Him.  I no longer take my questions to the world, to earthly partners, to anything that ends up in vain. I take them to my savior, my King and this is how he responds, so well put by EE Cummings: 

I carry your heart with me(I carry it in my heart) 

I am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) 

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) 

I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree call life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

-EE Cummings

Oh yes Lord, I dwell in You!!  

Me: Will you always carry me in Your heart?

Jesus: Yes, my child, always....