Poems from Prison: part III

This was written in 2004 when I was leaving Mayo Clinic.  I was flying back after being in the hospital for several weeks.  It was a very hard time for me.  It's written on a brown paper bag...one that I could throw up in in case I was sick. 

As I sit up here @ 33,000 feet

I see all my beautiful dreams that I will forever keep. 

But when I look down it reminds me of a scary world

one of sin and sorrow; to many heartbreaks to keep score. 

But then I look up 

and glimpse God's face

I am reminded that He's holding me up

Him and Him alone, my saving Grace

So just as this airplane 

soars through the sky

with views of both heartache and tender abide

God is also protecting me

He won't let me fall

Abba is teaching me faithfulness

through views of the world below. 

Poems from Prison: part II

I think this was written in a season of doubting a few years ago. 

From the depths of the shadows

that are blacker than the night

I started to fall, clinging to Your light

When uneasiness hit me

with force like a brick

It wasn't something that I could easily fix

I prayed for your comfort!

I prayed for your rest!

But you cried, "my child, wait!"

I will give you the best!

So everyday I will die...

die to my hindering part, 

and everyday I will rise...

rise to bless your heart

Poems from Prison: part I

I found the below scribbling on an old folded sheet of notebook paper written in purple ink.  A favorite pen of mine back in undergrad...no date on it but I probably wrote it around 2005.  I wrote it while dealing with some of my back issues.  Besides the old pen I used to use, you can tell I wrote it a while ago based on the content.  I'm talking about God being so far away and giving me a glimpse of how to live out the life created for me.  I feel like the mood of this poem is one of accepting my fate, of surrendering, of giving up my will for the greater good.  Greater good you might ask?  God's glory resting on us no matter what our circumstances are; for me, my back troubles.  

The veil conceals the precious light

too soon to be consumed I might

but beneath the folds and inner threads

there is some Bright to be shed

For what would this side be without His glory?

Without His design for every story?

We'd probably continue but with no purpose

there we would crumble into dust

I am like dust but he uses me still

to be like a city on a hill

so as Jack and Jill took their spot

we must also stand upon the rock

We are just as the moon in all its splendor

for it also receives its light form a Sender

the moon would be miserable, lonely, dark

the sun gives it illumination, glory, heart

Our Sender is way far away

where a day is a million years and a million years a day

But still this light chooses to pursue me

and continues on to give me a key

A door is opened, yet I cannot see past the veil

but only a map, which tells me how to set sail

to be as the moon, and to reflect back honor and praise

even when He giveth and taketh away

Jesus carries my heart in His heart....

If to distant lands I scatter

If I sailed to farthest seas

Would you find and firm and gather 'til I only dwell in Thee?

If I flee from greenest pastures

Would you leave to look for me?

Forfeit glory to come after

'Til I only dwell in Thee

If my heart has one ambition

If my soul one goal to seek

This my solitary vision 'til I only dwell in Thee

That I only dwell in Thee

'til I only dwell in Thee

-Brooke Fraser

All too often, I take this question and let it fall on anything in my path.  I was created to ask this question...I was also created to seek and find out the answer.  The answer, I have found, lies only when I take it to my savior.  

Me: Am I worthy of your attention? Can you promise me your devotion?

Boyfriend:  Of course, until I find something better to come along...until I get tired of you. 

Me: Am I lovely enough for you to love me, truly and wholeheartedly, not just because I am your offspring?

Parents: yes, of course, until it gets too difficult. Until my own life gets in the way.

Me: Will you come and find me if I disappeared?   Would you notice?

The world: probably not, there someone else just like you waiting to take your spot. 

And on and on it goes.  Yes, I know people love me and would be here for me but its different than the devotion and love that comes from Jesus Christ.  Its true, pure and wonderful.  There is nothing like the favor of the Lord on my life. 

Me: I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm lonely. Do I still matter? Are you there?

Jesus: "You are poor in spirit, therefore yours is the Kingdom in Heaven." 

Me: Every time I stray, every time I turn my back on You, every time I look to the world for satisfaction, will you notice?  Will you come and find me no matter what?

Jesus: Not only will I come after you, but when I find you, my lost sheep, I will be happier that I found you than about all the other sheep who never strayed off.

Me: Would you forgo Your own glory, honor, and power to make sure that I had it?

Jesus: I died on a cross, for you, my love, my queen, for you to be able to stand up straight, with righteousness, and no shame.  I would gladly do it again. 

The movie, In Her Shoes, which stars Cameron Diaz and Tonnie Colette, the movie seems to be about the same questions.  The close bond between two sisters, two best friends, was severed when the they kept disappointing each other.  It seems as though the whole story revolves around them trying to find happiness in each other, in lovers, in family, in anything. One part brings tears to my eyes.  Maggie, has turned her former life around, one centered around herself, and has begun to take care of old folks.  One elderly gentleman in particular, became very attached to Maggie.  She proceeded to read to him and became attached herself.  On the day he died, Maggie sat on his bed saddened by his sudden death.  Her thoughts were interrupted by the old man's grandson who knew exactly who Maggie was.  Maggie asked the all too familiar question, "he talked about me?"  It was as if she was saying, "he thought about me, after hours...when I wasn't here?  I made a big of enough impression on him for him to think about ME?"  Now, I'm not a huge Cameron Diaz fan but I was in this scene.  She conveyed what all little girls ask from their dads, what all young fiances ask their soon to be husband/wife, what all people, young and old, ask of our Savior.   As the grandson answered the question that seemed to burn in her heart, her face lit up with joy as she realized that the old man she had grown so close to did indeed talk about her when she wasn't there.  It was a silent pursuit; he noticed her and liked her even if from a few meetings together.  He made her feel worthy.  Worthy of a friendship, of a bond, of purpose. The confidence that can exude from a girl once she knows that she is lovely is contagious.  She feels free to stand up and be who she was made to be.  She feels wonderful...because well, she IS wonderful, confirmed by our Lord. 

Why can't we take this question to Jesus?  I believe we were made to ask Him.  He was made to answer it. 

Thinking back to the song at the beginning of this post, the song by Brooke Fraser, I can't help but understand what she meant at the end.  She says she wants to make her solitary ambition, the goal of her life, to be able to "dwell in Thee", to abide with Jesus.  Again, this coming only after Jesus has faithfully answered the questions that burned in her from the beginning of time.  When I have confidence in who I was made to be and where I belong, I am confidently assured that I want to only belong to Jesus.  I only want to dwell in Him.  I no longer take my questions to the world, to earthly partners, to anything that ends up in vain. I take them to my savior, my King and this is how he responds, so well put by EE Cummings: 

I carry your heart with me(I carry it in my heart) 

I am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) 

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) 

I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree call life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

-EE Cummings

Oh yes Lord, I dwell in You!!  

Me: Will you always carry me in Your heart?

Jesus: Yes, my child, always....